I woke up this morning feeling like I was run over by a mack truck. I’m exhausted, emotional and weak. So much has happened over my two-month hiatus from the blog. I have the urge to write today because it’s been a bad day, the worst I’ve had in a long, long time. And yet, there’s so much good.

My withdrawal from Depakote was awful, but it did spark in us a search for alternatives. I found a new psychiatrist, one who treats holistically and not just with medication. We launched a Crowdrise campaign and our community responded with almost $5,000 to cover two alternative treatments for my bipolar. I completed 20 Braincore therapy treatments to help correct my brainwave disregulation, and I followed the intense GAPS nutrition protocol faithfully, starting to heal my gut and thus my body and brain. I lost 15 pounds of toxic medication weight. I had energy and a positive outlook.

Then life happened. We took a family vacation. There were many wonderful moments, but our stay provided David and I with little sleep and surrounded me with delicious foods that were not GAPS-approved. We had decided on the way there that I would allow myself a few treat foods over the weekend, for which I was rewarded: nightmares, crying spells, a panic attack.

It’s been a week since my last Braincore therapy because I’m waiting to be re-evaluated for further treatment. I’m hovering somewhere between Stages 2, 3 and 4 because I can’t muster the willpower to go back to eating soup, soup and only soup. This was the time I had hoped to start my business back in full force. I thought I was better, well enough to start working again. I have been anticipating my colleagues and connections and time with friends. Instead, I find myself flat on the couch.

The truth is, I am better. I’m better than I was over two months ago, when I was deeply depressed, nauseated, anxious, and unable to drive because of withdrawal migraines. Braincore was an immediate godsend to all of my withdrawal symptoms, and GAPS has helped my body recover from 5 years of overmedication. But it’s not over yet. Healing is slow going, and I’m so impatient I could scream.

It’s going to be the daily grind again. Meeting with doctors. Getting completely back on my dietary restrictions. Waiting for answers and blood work results. Putting dreams on hold so I can calm my body’s chaos.

If you’re reading this, please know that I need you. I need your prayers, I need your friendship, I need you to be in my life even if my illness keeps me from being fully present. This road is too hard to walk alone.

Epilogue: I wrote this post a week ago today. I got back on Stage 2, and discovered I have successfully reversed my dairy allergy, yay! Yesterday I was in high spirits, playing Commix’s music video of Justin Timberlake’s “Can’t Stop the Feeling” on a loop. Today I had mack-truck syndrome again, though I feel better after a detox bath. While I am not currently experiencing symptoms, they could come back at any time. Two steps forward, one step back. I still need grace. I still need you.